TO LIVE MY DAY

I'm so happy because today I found my friends - they're in my head.

-Kurt Cobain

Never have I had a post that's based solely on the occurrences of my day. I never really thought my days were ever that interesting until I started to smile at all the "bad" things that actually do happen to me. I mean, instead of waiting for a couple of years to laugh about it, why not laugh about it then? That's life.

So, today morning my brother's alarm went off at 5.30. I could hear it because I chose to spend the night in his room. From what I could gather it was pouring heavily and I immediately decided to to go for my morning run. That was an easy choice that led up to a series of unfortunate events. You see, my morning run, however gruesome, is what gets me ready for the rest of the day. It gives me the psychological punch needed to get through with "it". So I went on sleeping with the idea that I would get out of bed at 9 am and head on to school at 1 pm. That was not going to happen. 

The previous night mother and I had agreed that we would go and check out an apartment that my brother and I are to move into next semester. 

Back to today morning. Mother got me out of bed all pissed at my laziness and decided that since she was ready she would not wait for me to take a shower. Oh god. It was bad enough that I had to miss my run but it had then been decided that I would spend the rest of the day under the stench of my overnight odour. Easy. I could deal with that. Yes, being in an all boys high school had taught me to survive with the pungent trail. 

Without the comfort of breakfast in my belly we were out of the house and headed towards the city when we were met with a week's worth of traffic. Mother was rather frustrated so she kept on saying, "it's your fault. Just sleeping all the time," and in all honesty it was rather funny. Being the "smart" driver that I am, I knew all the alternative routes one could use to avoid the traffic so I had her follow one. We avoided the traffic on the main road only to meet myriads of obstacles on the alternate route. Oh, the look she gave me was priceless. 

Eventually, we got to the city where she was to get some forms signed and pick up my brother who studies Chinese in the city so we could all go to and view the apartment together. Within the city things were as typical as they could be but mother decided that she was tired of driving and asked me to take control of the car. That I did but driving across the city was something I lacked knowledge to do but I popped up with my motto, "nitajua leo" which basically translates to "I'll learn today". 

The route to the apartment was quick and free of traffic. Mother and my brother got to see the apartment and she actually loved it.  It was decided that my brother and I would move in which is perfect. 

Lunch was great courtesy of mother's wallet and the cooks at San Marino but then the rain decided to wet me mercilessly. Masculinity and stupidity had me leave my sweater at home and carry nothing but an umbrella. My entire outfit got wet and I faced the threat of pneumonia. Everyone was either in class or off campus so I didn't have anyone to waste my time with. Droll. 

I tried to register for my classes next semester but I was side-tracked by a fine that I acquired without my knowledge. 

Later on in the day a friend of mine turned up and we completed some very creative work and just chilled under the clear sky (the rain had subsided) and talked about life. It was beautiful. 

That was a rough summary about my day. The last time I did something like this was at the age of 10 yet it feels so rejuvenating.

OPEN YOUR MIND

No matter how big the lie; repeat it often enough and the masses will regard it as the truth.
-JFK

I watched a documentary in which they spoke of marijuana not as a killer drug but an offspring of nature. It really opened my eyes. As a person of my age and stereotypical nurturing it would not be a falsehood to assume that I have taken a nibble of the forbidden fruit and it is clear that after ingestion the plausibilities are endless.
Well, that is not what I was trying to point out. According to the documentary marijuana has been illegal because of a myriad of political, racial, and empirical improbabilities. Whenever the question as to why marijuana is bad for you most people would either reply that it's bad or it kills brain cells.
Reality speaks of a sinister tale.
The first marijuana law was made in 1601 that ordered all American farms to plant the "weed". That was because marijuana is also referred to as hemp that was the largest and most profitable agricultural produce for thousands of years before. In the 1920s it was decided that marijuana smoking caused reefer madness that led to black men staring at white women twice, aggression, or stepping on a white man's shadow. However, during the war the American government decided to start producing hemp and there was even an infomercial advocated by the government- HEMP FOR VICTORY. This was followed by the win in the war and the coming of the Cold War. During this time it was discovered that the Soviet government was using marijuana to make American spies captured in the USSR passive. This led to the American government to make the drug illegal again however, this time it was a reason contradicting their earlier presumptions.
Today, we say marijuana is "bad" because of an experiment that has been proven to be empirically irrational. But everyone is so firm with the idea. The truth is out there but why do we choose to remain ignorant?
We choose ignorance because we have been indoctrinated- brainwashing man!!!
All through our lives we are given basic principles that we should live by: believe in a god, study hard to get a good job, you can only live with money, respect your government. These principles, however seemingly rational, do not have to stand to propagate our survival. But why do we live by them? It is because we have chosen to take authority as truth. Whenever our bosses, parents, teachers, religious leaders, our governments give us an order we take it as ultimate truth.
It must be hard for us,
those who take authority as truth
instead of truth as authority.
Take the time to think before you act on commands. 

HE YELLED, SHE YELLED....

I love argument, I love debate. I don't expect anyone just to sit there and agree with me, that's not their job.

-Margaret Thatcher

 

Today morning, my girlfriend and I were entangled in an argument concerning economics that sparked out of a simple question. Of course no argument is ever intended (when I'm not involved). This argument was heated and she was obviously winning. Oh, frustration was setting in fast and furiously. Why was I getting frustrated by her winning an argument?

In my effort to answer that question I realized that I was not frustrated because she was winning the argument but because I looked at the argument as a competitive intercourse. That is to say, her win was not the problem but the fact that I believed she had won was the problem. I only needed to see that it was not a competition but she was simply trying to elevate me to a new level of awareness.

Frustration and anger are a common emotion when entwined in any conflicting situation. But why do they result? The answer is a kin to what I had experienced. It is not the fault of the one who we assume caused the frustration but the on who opted to be frustrated.

However, the argument in the she and I sense is not what everyone else may term as arguments. We look to convince the other that our premise justifies our conclusion i.e. the first order argument as opposed to the everyday argument. Nonetheless, my theory of what our arguments are is not necessarily how I'd like to feel once I am done and I  have "lost". Now, that is the problem with society and the human behaviour. You are either competitive or not. It's a problem because we feel that anything as minute as an argument is a conquest for success or a lunge for failure. We have been raised to believe that if you "lose" an argument you lack intelligence, however, been proven wrong is a chance to gain knowledge.

Today morning I gained knowledge but society would have me believe that I "lost" an argument. Every location in which an argument breaks out is not a court of law for that is the only place in which you can "lose" an argument. 

Essentially, do not be frustrated by that "lost" argument but be excited by the gained knowledge.

HEREIN LIES MY MUSE

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.
-Lili St. Crow

I've been suffering a mild case of the writer's block. It was a bit strange that someone of my age would suffer terribly from such a crippling condition. What causes this condition? I don't know and as far as this moment is concerned I don't give a fuck.
Why is that so? The answer lies in the text that follows.
Recently, I have been reading the Zahir by Paulo Coelho and the narrator of the story is a writer who describes to us what gives him the power ti write. He speaks of a boat called the word that takes him to an island where his thoughts are nothing more than what his soul needs to drop down on paper. Every time he tries to write he experiences the same thing. It starts with a will to write, the inability to write, and eventually the journey on the "word".
It had always been the same for me. I need a wind strong enough to push my sails to the island. Ever since I took heed to my calling I was sure that the wind was rage, pain, and disdain. Writing under such atmospheric pressure bears down on the mind. Only so much anger can be expressed on paper but this week I discovered another wind that is blowing even stronger. I call this wind joy.
As of Monday I have been encompassed by this immense feeling of joy. It may have been because I experienced something utterly overwhelming on that day but nonetheless, my writing has been fluid. No longer do I have to think so much about what I am writing but it just flows out of me like a seasonal river during autumn.
It was two weeks ago and I was trying to blog. This was a bad experience because writing while suffering from writer's block is like having to have sex immediately after jerking off- not fun. So, there I was trying to force witty phrases and deep commentary when I realized that I was wasting my time. In my head the question kept rolling, "when will this end?". It's never fun to pride yourself on an art that you struggle to express. So, there I was in front of a computer keying in paragraphs of  things that made no sense to me. Agonizing was the name. Every word was heavy and paralyzing. If stress could kill people the certainly my words could do and at that moment they took the life out of me. When I completed writing the post I felt relieved. Oh joy! Maybe that's when the joy started. The end of that post was the beginning of my high moments. The lack of marijuana in my bloodstream was made up for the seizing of a post. Yes, every high moment is a high moment.
But after Monday all that has changed. Right now I'm here keying down these words about the end of my condition and what does it feel like? It's like someone is standing besides me and doing all the writing. All this is nothing but an illusion. I'm not the writer. Yes, that's it. As long as I write there is another entity responsible for the magic that unfolds before me.
With that I bid thee farewell but before that.....
Writer's block is not a debilitating condition, it's a failure to acknowledge the presence of that divine being encompassing the essence of your inner artist.

BECAUSE THE TIME WAS RIGHT FOR ONLY A HALF OF THE COUPLE

 I want to top expectations. I want to blow you away.

 -Quentin Tarantino

It's a bit difficult to live up to one's expectation. Be it our parent's, girlfriend's/boyfriend's, spouse's, or even society. We fear the idea of being ostracized because we want to fit into a particular accolade. If someone wants us to be something it's either we try to achieve that or surpass that. Failure to attain the required level gives us a feeling of self-resentment.
Now, I compare this to myself.
Yesterday, I put myself into a situation that made me feel like quite the arsenine man. The experience that was before me was generally one that would put anyone of my gender the desire to act up on it. Did I act up on it? Definitely. Failure to act up on it would have been a complete disaster but I endured a strange dilemma afterwards.
Before the act I was certain that the experience would be something that I would define the week by. A great or rather occasional event that would be cataclysmic enough for me to a kin it to a smile from the universe. During the act I was in nirvana. What can I say? The secondary head decided to take full control. Yes, whatever you're guessing is probably on point.
After the act I was flying between two trapeze. That moment when you don't know whether you're going to fall or to swing to safety. Well, I was confused about what had just happened.
It bothered me greatly because as much as the act was vital in developing me as a man it failed to give me the spiritual satisfaction that I needed. But why did it bother me so? That's because I wanted to wait until I was psychologically prepared for the act. But I did it anyway because the person that the act involved felt that they were ready and I was even less ready to disappoint.
Now, here I am. Griping to strangers on a virtual world. Why is that so? I'm I too much of a coward to have said no? No. I'm too much of a man to have said no.

MY PHILOSOPHY

One's philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes... and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

I've just stepped out of my philosophy class where an assignment was handed back to us. When I handed in this assignment I did not care much as to what the results would be because I made the choice to believe I am the best and the outcome would always be in my favour. Working for my success seemed futile for most of it seemed serendipitous. 

So the lecturer starts handing out the assignment and the first name he called out was not mine. Hmmm! Maybe he doesn't call in order of performance. That was an assumption until he followed it up with heavy praises and appreciation of the effort taken to create the "art form" that was that paper. I did not mind it until he started calling out the other names with a hint of boredom and lack of interest in the rest. Then he called my name. Ah, the moment of truth was before me. My chest heaved and hoed while I was trying to contain the excitement of him possibly drowning me in praise. But then nothing happened. He was right there before me and he just handed me the paper, no regard whatsoever for my plausibly crashed ego.

Now, the paper was out of 15 and out of this possible 15 I had managed to score a measly 13. What?! This, as basic mathematics would claim, is an 87% and I had decided at one point that less than exemplary is less than ordinary. That would not be accepted.

Why would he give me such a score? Is it because my powerful argument was too overwhelming for his feeble mind? Maybe but then again what led to me getting that score?

Back tracking to the week that the assignment was due I realized that I started the assignment a couple of minutes before the due date (or in this case time). The assignment was handed to us three weeks prior to the due date but I opted to do it a couple of minutes before the class. Yet here I am complaining over my poor aim.

I spent the duration of that class pondering "why?". In every class I was accustomed to being at the top of the world but I forgot that the world rotates every twenty-four hours. 

Now, what would keep me at the top despite rotation? I need to understand that I need something to live by that would give me an edge. Something to remind me that there is not room for improvement but without improvement I am standing in the nude. Basically, I need a philosophy to live by.

改善-KAIZEN
The logic behind this is simplistic and to the point. Continuous improvement that aims to eliminate waste (this is my life and not just business). What is this waste in my life? Presumption, procrastination, pomposity, and everything in between. In order for me to become this entity that has the nerve to aim beyond the sky and the ability to make it a possibility then I should take it upon myself to strive for whatever I desire and never have to worry about such instances again. 
Manhood is beckoning and I need to act as my role requires. Growth and improvement.

TO QUESTION-TO BLASPHEME OR TO APPRECIATE

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.
-Albert Einstein

Something amazing happened today. My logic was questioned. Why is that amazing? Answer; when one's logic is questioned they tend to go beyond themselves in order to prove that their reasoning is up to par, which I did.
This being a typical Tuesday filled with a long break between my first and second classes of the day I tend to roam around campus a lot. The logic to this-simple yet overt discoveries came to light during one's least attentive moment. 
Anyway, my girlfriend had just left. While loitering through campus I came across a friend from two of my classes in my first two semesters. Now, she always the smartest girl in the class. Well, the course was Japanese and she may have not been the leading student in the class (that's because I was) but she definitely possessed an innate ability to apply logic to whatever lay before her. 
So today while I was roaming I bumped into her and believe it or not she was reading a Nora Roberts book out loud. Her reason-most of the people on campus were having a class and she had the freedom to express her inner freak.  We just strolled around together until she decided to go all Socrates on me and asked me a simple question; do you believe in evolution? Oh, little did I know that this would lead to an intense argument that would span close to an hour. When I say argument I mean a clear and concise expression of our opinions without having to impose it onto the other.
Now, back to the question. 
She: Do you believe in evolution?
Me: Yes.
She: Why?
Me: Because I don't believe in god and I have to accept that we came from somewhere.
She: Why don't you believe?
Me: Because I believe that needing the fear of god in order for us to be good people means there is something wrong with us as humans.

You can see where this is headed. No, you don't see where this is headed because in most cases it would lead onto a heated debate but this led onto a discussion where she tried to explain to me why she believes.
 Her reasoning was clear. She believes in the existence of a higher being because god to her is the link between the present and the future. That entity that gives us the hope for a future is god. She went on to add that we need fear in order to live a balanced life. An idea of perfection is only possible because we know of imperfection (that's not exactly how she put it, just how I chose to understand it) and we fear because an ounce of fear is what will let us know joy. We also need to believe in a higher being because knowing that life ends in death and nothing more then makes life uneventful. A belief in a being that is better than us drives us to be a lot better than we currently are. Does it make sense? It's logical. That was her argument.
Mine was a bit simplistic. Is god's job then nothing more than just to act as an entity that provides hope? If the big bang is questionable because of an apparent lack of knowledge of what came right before the big bang then where did god come from? Did he just pop up or was he just there? Why are we told not to question?
However, while I was dotting down those questions in my mind I came upon a shocking realization. You cannot question what came before the big bang because before the big bang time was non-existent. What does this mean? It means that the big bang was the beginning of time and there is nothing North of the North Pole..... Clear, isn't it?
Well, the choice is yours.
As time progressed I explained that if there is really a god then shouldn't this being then appreciate the fact that we question his existence because it is from questioning that we come to understand. Her statement against this was that sometimes we need to accept that having faith does not mean that we do not question but rather that we don't need to. Faith is belief with a hint of ignorance. Possessing knowledge is never the most ideal thing because maybe what we might discover at the end of all the research would be akin to coming to the end of a sad story. How would that affect our lives as human beings? 
At the end of it all I came to my all conclusion. The belief in a god is an endless quest for knowledge and understanding that is barricaded with religion and the homo ignoramus that claim to question is to blaspheme. 
Do I believe? I believe that my life is diverse, expansive, and beauty and the reality of a death should be an indicator to lead a more fruitful life. 
Do I believe in a higher being that created us at a whim? No. Simple concise and to the point......

SAYING YES WHEN IT SHOULD BE NO

Sudden resolutions, like the sudden rise of mercury in a barometer, indicate little else than the variability of the weather.
-David Hare

Some situations arise at times of least expectation. A sunny day suddenly becoming rainy, an easy test with that one impossible question, and even that amazing phone that decides to go on the fritz. This is part of life and acting surprised by this means only one thing, you are part homo ignoramus. No shame in having ancestral ties to the leading cause of the near extinction of the human race.....
Now, I value my intelligence, I revel in it but then every now and again I become an involuntary volunteer to these events where my wits are tested.
Yesterday was one of those events. My girlfriend (I feel like she's been the topic of concern for most of my posts for the past week but just having the audacity to write "my girlfriend" feels so magnificent) came to school and she seemed rather upset. Being the concerned guy that I am I asked her what the problem was but she was a bit resilient on spilling the cup of hot coffee (well, at the time I had no idea it was hot coffee). I plagued her constantly with my monologue on how a good relationship is founded on communication, which I did ever so subtly, and she gave in.
What came from her were words that I would never forget. Little words but they carried a great impact, "I missed my periods." Yikes!!!
And then it smacked me like a bitch. All my teenage life I had been dreading the thought of such news. How would I handle such a situation? What would our lives amount to if I/she/we were expecting at this point of our lives?
But that was just the thing. These questions didn't race through my mind. Only one thought circumnavigated the diameter of my brain-what will he/she look like?
What the fuck?!! I know, right. Twisted.......
Anyway, is something wrong with me. How would someone in that position ever react like that? I'm barely an adult and the prospects of a child seem enticing.
It was a rather selfish thought because I needed to have been concerned for her sake. She was the one who experienced the fear at a physical level. All the hormones that might have been raging through her at that moment and I was simply exploring the physical traits of a hypothetical child.
But like she said, it was just a missed period which,  according to her is common, so we might have nothing to worry about.
I decided to be excited about this occurrence before my time had arrived and now I have to find a way to get my psychology in check before I ruin our lives. But how bad would it be to have a child with the woman I love? At the moment, it's probably the worst thing that could happen but I do look forward to a time when it would be expected of us........

TO WRITE IS TO CALIFORNICATE...

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
-Khalil Gibran 

So, I'm a great fun of Californication and the antiques of David Duchovny. Why is that so? Simple questions deserve simple answers; I'm a writer and Duchovny makes magic and miracles out of this beautiful gift. But one problem arises. David and I have nothing in common. Yes, if I were to use him as a yardstick to define what an author should be then I would just not make the cut.
As a character, David Duchovny is everything that I am not. I may not want to elaborate on this because then it makes me seem like vegetable.
However, being the introvert that I am thinking is my forte. Hence I came to this assumption. David Duchovny, well his character, is nothing more than just that; just a character. Someone locked themselves up and thought up the perfect character for a deteriorating and insanely creative writer and shock unto us....... he was born. Ah, yes, his name was/is Hank Moody.
His struggle with personal demons quails my mind and his determination to be a better man but constantly fails adds an amazing twist to life that cannot be found in our everyday scenarios. Why is my life so different to that? That's because I am not a character thought up in the confines of ones basement. Well, as far as I know.
All this in the name of questioning what it means to be a writer..... I write, hence I am.

MATURITY

Gold medals aren't really made of gold. They're made of sweat, determination, and a hard-to-find alloy called guts.
-Dan Gable

Every once in a while we're hit with this sudden realisation that we are only as good as our last attempts. It hurts to have to comprehend the fact that no current yardstick can be used to measure your accomplishments hence you revert back to using that which you have recycled for years and years. Am I any better? No.
Over the last couple of years i have made it my mission to let the world hold dear the fact that I'm a writer. There is no problem with that rather than the fact that my last serious stint as a writer was at the age of 12. Currently, my achievements as a writer boil down to that one book. I am not thrilled to say that no other works can help one decide whether I am  a writer or not. Yes, I have the power to decide whether or not I am but the world needs to see and take in the fact that I am an artist and here <insert book title> is my art but alas, that could have only happened five years ago.
The man within me has decided that the time has come for me to let go of events and achievements made possible by the juvenile and start making his own success. How do I do that? That's a smart question and the answer is just as smart........... Aspirations plus inspiration plus perspiration will get me success. Motivation may stroll outside the lawn but when it decides to knock it has to find you working or it moves on. That's what the juvenile knew and that's what I forgot.
It took the twelve year old Oscar an entire night and flask of coffee to finish his book and the eighteen year old Oscar needs to understand that only with such determination will he be able to smile at his successes.
Coffee and sleepless nights will be the routine until Oscar, the man, finds his way to success.

OPEN UP

 Frustration, although quite painful at times, is a very positive and essential part of success.

-Bo Bennet

And here we are again. What shall this oddly frustrated boy, I mean man, have to say about the queer thoughts that traverse my squiggly mind (yes, in here it be unruly).
So, shocker-I got a girlfriend. Yes, this "dawg" has been busy. How did all this happen? Well, this happened when an odd and curious young chap met a woman with more worth in her being than most people have in their entire existence. We've been dating for two months and two weeks and the beauty of the relationship has blossomed rapidly.
Anyway, that's not what the post is focusing on. The point of this post is to discuss what I have experienced in the relationship ever since it started getting serious.
From without, it all seems like daisies and freshly cut roses. Well, I'm here to tell you, it is..... Really?!
ハイ モチロン......... You probably don't get that but it doesn't make much of a difference.
I don't know if it's just her or maybe I feel easy around her radiance. Things have been so good for such a long time such that it got me worried as what would happen once that joy was to start sliding away.
Then today happened.

As far as I was concerned it was going to be just another Tuesday where I'd pick her from her home and we'd leave for school together. That was the plan until I was informed that we were to take her sister to her school so as she could get some forms signed and take them to her father for further inspection. She's my girlfriend so the answer was a definite why not.
We left and things were going well until we messed up the schedule. My perspective on time may not be as severe as that of an Asian but I do appreciate sticking to one schedule.
Frustration set in but I could not complain about it because I understand that she was taking care of her family and I had agreed to being a part of the ride. Being quiet about my problems is something I've mastered but I've come to understand that with her I need to learn to speak up. She is amazing and the essence of my contentment but I should not let the fear of displeasing her make me unhappy.
After those few remarks I come to understand and appreciate that silence isn't golden but a rather cheap imitation of the real deal.

TO BE OR NOT TO BE? THAT TRULY IS THE QUESTION....

The more unintelligent a man is, the less mysterious existence seems to him.

-Arthur Schopenhauer

As of September 3rd I have made it my business to assemble every last functioning neuron in my brain to enjoy the complexities that is philosophy. In high school I always gave myself props for having a deductive mind that would penetrate the ideologies of Marx and Machiavelli in order to......well, to make them look like idiots. That was the plan.

However, my perception of philosophy is not what it turned out to be. On my first lesson I was bombarded with questions such as what is free will? is there really a god? is there anything beyond the universe we know? and so on. In all honesty, those were rather interesting questions. It was a riot to watch the entire class divide into factions that would either support or oppose different ideas.

Soon enough the fun subsided and we were discussing topics such as logic and the minds of Socrates and Aristotle. To any other philosophy student-YES- to me-WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE?

And then it came...........

What the lecturer brought for us was something discerning. Something that picked at my mind for days. The lecturer had brought to class a sheet of paper that had in it information on the philosophical aspects of physics, its history and so on.

So, apparently, physics is divided into three categories; classic physics, molecular physics, and quantum physics. Well, that's all well and good but why would I be interested in that? The answer to that lies deep in the confines of molecular physics.

Molecular physics gives this notion that, well in simple terms, big things are just small versions of even bigger things (ignoramus terminology). The idea behind this is that every object is made up of tiny particles called atoms and those atoms are made up of even smaller particles which are protons neurons and electrons. 

Now, behind this fact (or opinion) is an even more puzzling concept. The space between every neuron, proton, and electron is so expansive that the idea of existence seems unworldly. Everything around us is then presumably made of space. Again, what the fuck!!!

Molecular physics then argues out that physical matter does exist but there isn't much of it in any given physical object and our notion of matter is nothing more than empty space.

So does this mean that existence does not carry with it the weight it does at your current stage of ignorance? Yes, it does. If we are all space then it means then, virtually, we barely (yes, barely) exist. We are in essence units of space. 

And then came Quantum Physics. What does this beast entail? This monster states that these subatomic particles are not particles but rather amounts of energy (quanta means amounts in Latin) that only exist by probability. That is to say that these particles only have a tendency to exist. If that be the case then it raises the question- are we or aren't we? According to this theoretical science we may not be.

Existence is nothing but a mere conjured notion of the human mind. What does it mean to exist? Having a tendency only makes it clear that we may not be but the fact that I am here doing this shows that I am therefore I do.

To be or not to be? That truly is the question.

AN ODE TO ALL THE WORLD'S FATHERS

My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.
- Clarence B. Kelland

Father's day is upon us once again and unlike any other year I have decided to acknowledge the grace bestowed upon this here lad by a man that some could call stern, rigid or senior. This, I truly hope, will be my annual tradition.
What made me want to do this? I have no idea. Maybe it's the fact that my father lives a country away or maybe it's the fact that maturity is beckoning. Hopefully, it carries along with it a hint of wisdom. The reasons matter not. What will be written upon this virtual page is an extract from my mind. A view to the world of a child watching his father. What did that child learn? What did that child carry with him? What did that child emulate?
I was born lucky. I had with me a father and a mother (a mother is a bit obvious). No losses were made in the operating room and nothing was carried out that would be regretted years down the line. 
My father toiled night and day to ensure that what I had was only the best and he did just that. I was always in the best schools, I always had the best clothes and my home has always been nothing short of amazing. 
I remember as a child growing up and thinking how much I disliked my father. Yes, his stern, rigid and senior nature angered me. No, maturity was not anywhere close at that point of my life. I failed to acknowledge what he had done for me. I did not realize that he was a man who put it all on the line to ensure that his children were comfortable. No, to me it was all about what he said no to. That was all that I looked at.
Of course as time passed I saw my father for what he really was. He was not a man aiming to please but a man aiming to make himself proud. For his stern nature I started to see composure, for his rigid nature I started to see assertion and for his senior nature I started to see maturity which was something that I had never had. 
You see, a father is not put in one's life to say yes to whatever you want but rather to show you the difference between living and being alive. There is a big difference between being a father and fathering. Yes, if you are willing to do something for your father on Father's day then my friend, you have a father, not just a person who fathered you.

Appreciate that small things that your father has done for you because as long as there is no war, you are bound to bury him. Look back at all the years that he has lifted you up when you were down, when he has said you can do it even though everyone else said you could not or when he taught you that one thing that makes you feel like you are better than everyone else. 
Mothers are golden, fathers are platinum. 
My father may never read this but I want it to be out there. In a virtual world where all those who can respond and do something great for their fathers will do it. 
Maybe maturity has arrived and it brought with it a lot more than just a hint of wisdom. 

UNTITLED

Something dawned on me before I began jotting down this current read-it has been months since I last wrote anything. Wha is happening to me? I frightens me so. The synapses in my brain feel detached to that spark that had adorned me the gift. Maybe m father was right. "One day you'll stop writing," he said to me. Back then I would laugh at him. The talent got to my head or at least it infected my mind. I have learned that the mind should not heed what the brain possesses. The mind is the balance beam. Whatever battles that rage on within your head are controlled by the mind and if the mind partakes in duties to be handled by the brain we get a collision. I have experienced the colllision. The gift is draining away from me. No need to be frightened by this. It has happened in the past and I found a way to come through. However, something feels different. It's not just in my mind but in my speech pattern my cognitive abilities, my physical capabilities. Something is happening to my body and it has nothing to do with raging hormones. DOCTOR, DOCTOR, GIVE ME THE NEWS!!!
Should I really fear the threat of encroaching demise? Is it a tumor, an aneurysm or nothing more than a migrane. Whatever it may be it has wreaked havoc in my psyche. I remember who I was three years ago. Do I miss him? To some level I do. He was analytical, impervious to impression and arrogant to the bone. However, he was also timid, lonely and arrogant to the bone. Something happened between July and September of 2009 for that was when the metamorphosis occured; my devolution. What am I turning into? It leaves me with no pride but anger and despair. World, help me come to a conclusion.

JUMP OFF!!

Of course risk-taking does not always pay off, but it's a lot of fun!

-Mary Wesley

I did a crazy thing this past week. I took a risk. I had been spending all my time leaving on the edge and I had felt that the time had come for me to jump off.

My last post mentioned Holly who I described as my proximity infatuation. Yeah, I thought to hell with that idea. I told her what I felt about her and it was an utter disaster. Not the fact that I told her but rather the fact that I mentioned that I liked her over texts. Yeah, I know. I suck, don't I?
I really like Holly but mentioning that I think I like her would be stupid and stupidity doesn't suit me all that well.
I remember it as though it were a couple of days ago. Well, it was but I'm trying to be humorous. We had just got out of class together and we walked all the way to the bus stop together. I held her by the waist and she did the same. It was a magical moment. It may have not been the same for her but I could certainly feel my pounding heart in the palm of my hand. Whenever she looked at me and smiled I sired as much strength as I could so as to avoid breaking into joyful tears. Her dainty hands moved up and down my side and I would have normally had the thought "I'm getting lucky tonight" but not at that time. It felt sentimental. Her touch was soft on my heart. For me to be talking about love is quite tedious but love with Holly is quite different. Truth be told, I wanted that moment to last forever . I did not want anything to ruin it but we got to a point where we had to go our separate ways and a challenge arose. While I hugged her and bid her farewell another man walked over and asked whether he could do the same and all I could say was no as he tried to steal that special embrace from her. It was nothing serious and she just walked away but I felt guilty about not doing anything more.
I got home and apologised but she was okay with the issue and it was at that point that I stated the fact to her.

ME: I really like you but I won't tell it to you.

HER: But you just did.

ME: Well, it was meant to be a thought.

HER: Whoops...

ME: The thing is that I don't know how to handle relationships.

HER: Don't worry. Handle it the best way you can.

ME: Dealing with one seems difficult.

HER: You don't have to deal with it mainly cause I don't think I'm girlfriend material.

ME: You're probably right.

HER: Yeah, I'd disappoint you within the first week.

ME: I think you might as well.

HER: Yeah I would and I'd rather be honest with you now.

I can't really say that my heart was broken because I expected a negative response in a sense. I had always told everyone that relationships were not for me. Mainly because I thought I was a bad ass player but I suck at flirting. Having a girl like Holly around made me change my mind but maybe the universe was not prepared for the change I had made. When I told her what I felt (well, in a sense) I took a risk. Was it worth it because things might be awkward between us from now us. Maybe I should have settled for friendship but that would have meant I live in ignorance. Does she like me as much as I like her? Maybe. I would have hated that. Like I said before, I was tired of living on the edge. The time had come for me to jump off. Maybe a little patience would have been a better thing.

PROXIMITY INFATUATION

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some reflection of my real feeling about relationships, because I do have commitment issues. My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don't know me, so who cares what they think?

-Garry Shandling

A few seconds ago I watched as a lovely, voluptuous girl just walk out of my house. I had no idea who she was and neither did I make an attempt to talk to her. Why didn't I do any of those things? Was it my shyness or my introspection? That's beside the point at this point in time.
While she was walking out I stared ever so consciously at her ample ass.A series of thoughts ran through my moronic mind. Those thoughts eventually led to a single realisation that has changed a lot of things (well, the amount of changes that can be made in a couple of seconds). I have never had a girlfriend whose ass was that amazing. No, scratch that. I have never had a girlfriend.
Now, back to the aforementioned possibilities of why that is. Is it because of my shyness or is it because of my introspection? Choosing one over the other would make things seem less damning than they actually are. The truth is rather a lot more complex. I have never had a girlfriend because I knew not how to deal with the intricate matters of a relationship (maybe complex shouldn't have been the word I was meant to use).
Being in a relationship can be quite tedious. Well, that depends on how long that the relationship can last. When I was joining high school I had this idea that getting into a relationship would be easy and handling one would be just as simple as knocking one out. Well, both of those assumptions were wrong.
In the course of those four years I have been in less than one relationship and I have been presented with the opportunity to start more than four. Yeah, one for every year that I spent in high school.
At the moment I'm in university and an opportunity has arisen that I cannot turn down. Her eyes burn right through my egotistical defence, her touch gets my blood flowing south of the border and her lips whisper "kiss me" every time I come close to them. When I'm with her my usually cultured and educated nature diminishes to a mere spasm of gibberish. I have wasted no efforts in trying to steer her clear of my mind but she has taken a series of measures to ensure that she is there to stay. Her name is not an issue at this stage (and its not because I don't know her because I do). What I feel when I'm around her is a series of cardiac fluxes, abdominal discomfort and neurological dysfunction. Yes, some might refer me to a doctor but I call it love or I'd hope that it is love.
How can I know for sure that it is love if I've never felt anything of the sort before? The unfortunate truth is that I think I love her or she is nothing but my proximity infatuation.

 This, for those whose vocabulary is about as diverse as the state of Lesotho, refers to the fact that I like her just because I'm constantly close to her. If so then I should dropping the "will you be my girlfriend" bomb would be a disaster comparable to Hiroshima. Plus who says "will you be my girlfriend anymore"? That's right. I do.
Yeah Holly, you're nothing but a proximity infatuation. Sucks for the both of us then. Maybe sex wouldn't be such a good idea then?