HEREIN LIES MY MUSE

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.
-Lili St. Crow

I've been suffering a mild case of the writer's block. It was a bit strange that someone of my age would suffer terribly from such a crippling condition. What causes this condition? I don't know and as far as this moment is concerned I don't give a fuck.
Why is that so? The answer lies in the text that follows.
Recently, I have been reading the Zahir by Paulo Coelho and the narrator of the story is a writer who describes to us what gives him the power ti write. He speaks of a boat called the word that takes him to an island where his thoughts are nothing more than what his soul needs to drop down on paper. Every time he tries to write he experiences the same thing. It starts with a will to write, the inability to write, and eventually the journey on the "word".
It had always been the same for me. I need a wind strong enough to push my sails to the island. Ever since I took heed to my calling I was sure that the wind was rage, pain, and disdain. Writing under such atmospheric pressure bears down on the mind. Only so much anger can be expressed on paper but this week I discovered another wind that is blowing even stronger. I call this wind joy.
As of Monday I have been encompassed by this immense feeling of joy. It may have been because I experienced something utterly overwhelming on that day but nonetheless, my writing has been fluid. No longer do I have to think so much about what I am writing but it just flows out of me like a seasonal river during autumn.
It was two weeks ago and I was trying to blog. This was a bad experience because writing while suffering from writer's block is like having to have sex immediately after jerking off- not fun. So, there I was trying to force witty phrases and deep commentary when I realized that I was wasting my time. In my head the question kept rolling, "when will this end?". It's never fun to pride yourself on an art that you struggle to express. So, there I was in front of a computer keying in paragraphs of  things that made no sense to me. Agonizing was the name. Every word was heavy and paralyzing. If stress could kill people the certainly my words could do and at that moment they took the life out of me. When I completed writing the post I felt relieved. Oh joy! Maybe that's when the joy started. The end of that post was the beginning of my high moments. The lack of marijuana in my bloodstream was made up for the seizing of a post. Yes, every high moment is a high moment.
But after Monday all that has changed. Right now I'm here keying down these words about the end of my condition and what does it feel like? It's like someone is standing besides me and doing all the writing. All this is nothing but an illusion. I'm not the writer. Yes, that's it. As long as I write there is another entity responsible for the magic that unfolds before me.
With that I bid thee farewell but before that.....
Writer's block is not a debilitating condition, it's a failure to acknowledge the presence of that divine being encompassing the essence of your inner artist.

MATURITY

Gold medals aren't really made of gold. They're made of sweat, determination, and a hard-to-find alloy called guts.
-Dan Gable

Every once in a while we're hit with this sudden realisation that we are only as good as our last attempts. It hurts to have to comprehend the fact that no current yardstick can be used to measure your accomplishments hence you revert back to using that which you have recycled for years and years. Am I any better? No.
Over the last couple of years i have made it my mission to let the world hold dear the fact that I'm a writer. There is no problem with that rather than the fact that my last serious stint as a writer was at the age of 12. Currently, my achievements as a writer boil down to that one book. I am not thrilled to say that no other works can help one decide whether I am  a writer or not. Yes, I have the power to decide whether or not I am but the world needs to see and take in the fact that I am an artist and here <insert book title> is my art but alas, that could have only happened five years ago.
The man within me has decided that the time has come for me to let go of events and achievements made possible by the juvenile and start making his own success. How do I do that? That's a smart question and the answer is just as smart........... Aspirations plus inspiration plus perspiration will get me success. Motivation may stroll outside the lawn but when it decides to knock it has to find you working or it moves on. That's what the juvenile knew and that's what I forgot.
It took the twelve year old Oscar an entire night and flask of coffee to finish his book and the eighteen year old Oscar needs to understand that only with such determination will he be able to smile at his successes.
Coffee and sleepless nights will be the routine until Oscar, the man, finds his way to success.

DETERMINATE

Gotta turn the world into your dance floor
Determinate, d-determinate
Push until you can't and then demand more
Determinate, d-determinate

-Lemonade Mouth (Disney Channel Original Movie)

I always wanted to be a writer. What is writing all about for me? For me this means that I find a canvas to create a literary world whereby I can pour my emotions and tell the world that I'm not only good at it but I enjoy it. But being a writer takes a lot more than just writing. It's about being determined determinated (yeah, I watch Disney).

Determination is hard. Determination implies that you push until you can't then demand more. That translates to writing beyond your level of satisfaction and then go just a little further (well that's the author's translation anyway).

All my life I have lacked the determination it took to do anything. I was never good at studying, I was never good at sports and I was never good at being with people. The thing is that I could have been good at any of these things if I tried just a little harder. In order for me to be a great writer I need to put a little more effort into writing and take a little more time to make my writing better than it is because believe me, it does get better, way better.

Unfortunately, today is not the day that I give it my all. Well, this is not the place really. I have a book to write and I have been putting it off for too long. I need that sense of accomplishment, I need to feel that my life has amounted to something; a book, not just any book but a book that will make the whole world say, "wow, Oscar Ruto did this?"

I am getting determinated one way or the other. That's one of the many things that life is all about. It makes things all the more interesting and it makes my ego-maniacal nature all the more worth while.