JUMP OFF!!

Of course risk-taking does not always pay off, but it's a lot of fun!

-Mary Wesley

I did a crazy thing this past week. I took a risk. I had been spending all my time leaving on the edge and I had felt that the time had come for me to jump off.

My last post mentioned Holly who I described as my proximity infatuation. Yeah, I thought to hell with that idea. I told her what I felt about her and it was an utter disaster. Not the fact that I told her but rather the fact that I mentioned that I liked her over texts. Yeah, I know. I suck, don't I?
I really like Holly but mentioning that I think I like her would be stupid and stupidity doesn't suit me all that well.
I remember it as though it were a couple of days ago. Well, it was but I'm trying to be humorous. We had just got out of class together and we walked all the way to the bus stop together. I held her by the waist and she did the same. It was a magical moment. It may have not been the same for her but I could certainly feel my pounding heart in the palm of my hand. Whenever she looked at me and smiled I sired as much strength as I could so as to avoid breaking into joyful tears. Her dainty hands moved up and down my side and I would have normally had the thought "I'm getting lucky tonight" but not at that time. It felt sentimental. Her touch was soft on my heart. For me to be talking about love is quite tedious but love with Holly is quite different. Truth be told, I wanted that moment to last forever . I did not want anything to ruin it but we got to a point where we had to go our separate ways and a challenge arose. While I hugged her and bid her farewell another man walked over and asked whether he could do the same and all I could say was no as he tried to steal that special embrace from her. It was nothing serious and she just walked away but I felt guilty about not doing anything more.
I got home and apologised but she was okay with the issue and it was at that point that I stated the fact to her.

ME: I really like you but I won't tell it to you.

HER: But you just did.

ME: Well, it was meant to be a thought.

HER: Whoops...

ME: The thing is that I don't know how to handle relationships.

HER: Don't worry. Handle it the best way you can.

ME: Dealing with one seems difficult.

HER: You don't have to deal with it mainly cause I don't think I'm girlfriend material.

ME: You're probably right.

HER: Yeah, I'd disappoint you within the first week.

ME: I think you might as well.

HER: Yeah I would and I'd rather be honest with you now.

I can't really say that my heart was broken because I expected a negative response in a sense. I had always told everyone that relationships were not for me. Mainly because I thought I was a bad ass player but I suck at flirting. Having a girl like Holly around made me change my mind but maybe the universe was not prepared for the change I had made. When I told her what I felt (well, in a sense) I took a risk. Was it worth it because things might be awkward between us from now us. Maybe I should have settled for friendship but that would have meant I live in ignorance. Does she like me as much as I like her? Maybe. I would have hated that. Like I said before, I was tired of living on the edge. The time had come for me to jump off. Maybe a little patience would have been a better thing.