JUMP OFF!!

Of course risk-taking does not always pay off, but it's a lot of fun!

-Mary Wesley

I did a crazy thing this past week. I took a risk. I had been spending all my time leaving on the edge and I had felt that the time had come for me to jump off.

My last post mentioned Holly who I described as my proximity infatuation. Yeah, I thought to hell with that idea. I told her what I felt about her and it was an utter disaster. Not the fact that I told her but rather the fact that I mentioned that I liked her over texts. Yeah, I know. I suck, don't I?
I really like Holly but mentioning that I think I like her would be stupid and stupidity doesn't suit me all that well.
I remember it as though it were a couple of days ago. Well, it was but I'm trying to be humorous. We had just got out of class together and we walked all the way to the bus stop together. I held her by the waist and she did the same. It was a magical moment. It may have not been the same for her but I could certainly feel my pounding heart in the palm of my hand. Whenever she looked at me and smiled I sired as much strength as I could so as to avoid breaking into joyful tears. Her dainty hands moved up and down my side and I would have normally had the thought "I'm getting lucky tonight" but not at that time. It felt sentimental. Her touch was soft on my heart. For me to be talking about love is quite tedious but love with Holly is quite different. Truth be told, I wanted that moment to last forever . I did not want anything to ruin it but we got to a point where we had to go our separate ways and a challenge arose. While I hugged her and bid her farewell another man walked over and asked whether he could do the same and all I could say was no as he tried to steal that special embrace from her. It was nothing serious and she just walked away but I felt guilty about not doing anything more.
I got home and apologised but she was okay with the issue and it was at that point that I stated the fact to her.

ME: I really like you but I won't tell it to you.

HER: But you just did.

ME: Well, it was meant to be a thought.

HER: Whoops...

ME: The thing is that I don't know how to handle relationships.

HER: Don't worry. Handle it the best way you can.

ME: Dealing with one seems difficult.

HER: You don't have to deal with it mainly cause I don't think I'm girlfriend material.

ME: You're probably right.

HER: Yeah, I'd disappoint you within the first week.

ME: I think you might as well.

HER: Yeah I would and I'd rather be honest with you now.

I can't really say that my heart was broken because I expected a negative response in a sense. I had always told everyone that relationships were not for me. Mainly because I thought I was a bad ass player but I suck at flirting. Having a girl like Holly around made me change my mind but maybe the universe was not prepared for the change I had made. When I told her what I felt (well, in a sense) I took a risk. Was it worth it because things might be awkward between us from now us. Maybe I should have settled for friendship but that would have meant I live in ignorance. Does she like me as much as I like her? Maybe. I would have hated that. Like I said before, I was tired of living on the edge. The time had come for me to jump off. Maybe a little patience would have been a better thing.

PROXIMITY INFATUATION

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some reflection of my real feeling about relationships, because I do have commitment issues. My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don't know me, so who cares what they think?

-Garry Shandling

A few seconds ago I watched as a lovely, voluptuous girl just walk out of my house. I had no idea who she was and neither did I make an attempt to talk to her. Why didn't I do any of those things? Was it my shyness or my introspection? That's beside the point at this point in time.
While she was walking out I stared ever so consciously at her ample ass.A series of thoughts ran through my moronic mind. Those thoughts eventually led to a single realisation that has changed a lot of things (well, the amount of changes that can be made in a couple of seconds). I have never had a girlfriend whose ass was that amazing. No, scratch that. I have never had a girlfriend.
Now, back to the aforementioned possibilities of why that is. Is it because of my shyness or is it because of my introspection? Choosing one over the other would make things seem less damning than they actually are. The truth is rather a lot more complex. I have never had a girlfriend because I knew not how to deal with the intricate matters of a relationship (maybe complex shouldn't have been the word I was meant to use).
Being in a relationship can be quite tedious. Well, that depends on how long that the relationship can last. When I was joining high school I had this idea that getting into a relationship would be easy and handling one would be just as simple as knocking one out. Well, both of those assumptions were wrong.
In the course of those four years I have been in less than one relationship and I have been presented with the opportunity to start more than four. Yeah, one for every year that I spent in high school.
At the moment I'm in university and an opportunity has arisen that I cannot turn down. Her eyes burn right through my egotistical defence, her touch gets my blood flowing south of the border and her lips whisper "kiss me" every time I come close to them. When I'm with her my usually cultured and educated nature diminishes to a mere spasm of gibberish. I have wasted no efforts in trying to steer her clear of my mind but she has taken a series of measures to ensure that she is there to stay. Her name is not an issue at this stage (and its not because I don't know her because I do). What I feel when I'm around her is a series of cardiac fluxes, abdominal discomfort and neurological dysfunction. Yes, some might refer me to a doctor but I call it love or I'd hope that it is love.
How can I know for sure that it is love if I've never felt anything of the sort before? The unfortunate truth is that I think I love her or she is nothing but my proximity infatuation.

 This, for those whose vocabulary is about as diverse as the state of Lesotho, refers to the fact that I like her just because I'm constantly close to her. If so then I should dropping the "will you be my girlfriend" bomb would be a disaster comparable to Hiroshima. Plus who says "will you be my girlfriend anymore"? That's right. I do.
Yeah Holly, you're nothing but a proximity infatuation. Sucks for the both of us then. Maybe sex wouldn't be such a good idea then?

DETERMINATE

Gotta turn the world into your dance floor
Determinate, d-determinate
Push until you can't and then demand more
Determinate, d-determinate

-Lemonade Mouth (Disney Channel Original Movie)

I always wanted to be a writer. What is writing all about for me? For me this means that I find a canvas to create a literary world whereby I can pour my emotions and tell the world that I'm not only good at it but I enjoy it. But being a writer takes a lot more than just writing. It's about being determined determinated (yeah, I watch Disney).

Determination is hard. Determination implies that you push until you can't then demand more. That translates to writing beyond your level of satisfaction and then go just a little further (well that's the author's translation anyway).

All my life I have lacked the determination it took to do anything. I was never good at studying, I was never good at sports and I was never good at being with people. The thing is that I could have been good at any of these things if I tried just a little harder. In order for me to be a great writer I need to put a little more effort into writing and take a little more time to make my writing better than it is because believe me, it does get better, way better.

Unfortunately, today is not the day that I give it my all. Well, this is not the place really. I have a book to write and I have been putting it off for too long. I need that sense of accomplishment, I need to feel that my life has amounted to something; a book, not just any book but a book that will make the whole world say, "wow, Oscar Ruto did this?"

I am getting determinated one way or the other. That's one of the many things that life is all about. It makes things all the more interesting and it makes my ego-maniacal nature all the more worth while.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EM JAY!!!

When you age know that the universe favours you.

-Oscar Ruto

Today is a special day. Judging from the fact that I used my own quote today it'd be safe to assume that it is my birthday. Well, assumptions do tend to be wrong and this situation is no different. Today is a birthday but it is not my birthday. On this day we celebrate (well, we don't really celebrate but you get the point) the birthday of a fellow blogger and cyber-mate (does such a word exist. If not then I have the rights to it), Meghan, yes, the friend I blogged about recently.

I stated in that blog post that Meghan and I became friends through facebook. If I do remember correctly she sent a friend request and I was at awe because I did not know who she was. Being the egotistical bastard that I am, I assumed that she fancied my profile picture. Who was I to decline the request of a woman whose profile picture was, and still is, equally if not more stunning? So I accepted.
What assumption did I make from that extra friend on facebook? Oh , she was bound to be just another friend that I never talked to or inboxed or had any interest whatsoever in. However, fate had another plan.
Coincidentally, that was the same time that I started taking blogging seriously. In order to expand interest in my blog I shared it to friends on facebook. Meghan was one of the few who actually read it and strangely enough she liked it. I got my first comment from her and she was one of my first followers.
At that same time she decided to put up a blog of her own and you can guess the rest from that point onwards.
Meghan, you have made me want to put up a post every single day. You have made writing a joy and I really do appreciate the fact that you took interest in my blog.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY EM JAY.
I DO HOPE YOU LIVE TO SEE ME WIN MY NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE (there I go. The battle with my ego rages on even on this day).

A RESOLUTION THREE WEEKS TOO SOON.

Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal.

-Arthur Schopenhauer

I intend to give a small description of myself. This is more of a psychological description and not a physical one.
I am immature, inconsiderate, pompous, inciteful, solitary and overally egotistical. I have endured pain and suffering that, for the most part, have been caused by none other than myself. All my success have come about not by hard work or determination but by serendipity e.g. since I enrolled in high school I have held the top position longer than anyone else in my year. As much as I'd like to give my intelligence all the rave, that would not be true. I am not necessarily the smartest person in any room that I walk into but for some reason my grades were always at the top of the list.
The sad part about stating all these things is that I can. I know that I have a problem yet I have done nothing towards dealing with the problem. It has been made clear that the first step towards fixing a problem is knowing that there is a problem. Yeah, that doesn't seem to be the case with me. As soon as I learn that I have a problem I learn to live with it rather than take action against it. Today, however, I have made a resolution (yeah, three weeks before new year's eve); I am going to change.

Change, as we have been told, is all about trying to make those that are imperfect perfect, accepting that you can get it from just about everything but a vending machine and telling the theoretical physicists that their theory of change being the only constant is a lot more than just a theory.
When I was a freshman in high school there was a senior that I looked up to. He was highly intelligent, diligent and respected. I always said to myself that I wanted to be like that guy. Now, four years later I'm not that guy. I am a version of myself that I want to do away with. But I have come to a decision. No longer do I want to be like that senior. I want to be the version of me that I can live with. I am a work in progress and I don't want to miss out on the opportunity to be the person that I can be.

P.s. Not all change is for the better and not all steps move forward.

ANOTHER DEFINITION TO A COMMON STATE OF MIND.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

-Mohandas Gandhi

Today I received a wall post from a fellow blogger, Meghan (this time I'll go with an alias), on facebook. The post was pretty clear;happiness. My reply to this was rather odd; the ever so, dare I say it, prevalent "huh". What was that post supposed to symbolize? Obviously, being a fellow blogger, I assumed that she was handing me a topic to write about since I had made it ever so clear that I took pride in the fact that I can turn any pile of shit into pieces of work that would look like that from Hemmingway (yeah, it's a constant fight with my ego).
So here I am. In front of a computer screen contemplating how I should go about this diverse topic. Huh! Maybe even I have problems with creating gold from iron.
I have known Meghan for a couple of weeks now and I'd like to consider her as a friend even though it is pretty clear that we haven't met. Our only "region" of convergence is the virtual world. Yes, the world wide web. Through her blog, awanderingfirefly.blogspot.com, I have been able to see the places she has seen, taste the food that have graced her tongue and drown in the myriads of emotions that she has gone through.
When her world was opened to me I made a statement that cynically humurous, "I hate you cause your writing is better than mine". What a guy I must be?
Being the sweet person that she is, she replied by saying, "no, I don't think so. I love your writing."
What can I say about such a person? I can say that this person isn't modest about humility. She made me feel absolutely amazing without even knowing it. That wandering firefly lit up my world and caused me to leave teardrops everywhere with her kind words and not-so-modest humility.
Maybe that's what happiness is all about; receiving support not only from those who love you but those that simply know you.

Drinks to you Meghan. You made writing that much funner for me.

P.s I do guess that I have found a way to make gold out of iron. Yeah, Hemmingway is definitely looking up at me plus maybe Meghan wasn't really giving me a topic to write about but just stating a state of mind. Who cares? In the end I gained just another thing to prove that I am a fairly decent writer.

WHAT SORT OF CHARACTER WOULD I BE?

It is also true that one can write nothing readable unless one constantly struggles to efface one's own personality. Good prose is like a windowpane.

-George Orwell

As a bored teenager who would rather spend his days enjoying the feuds within television dramas rather than go out and experience life first-hand I tend to dwell upon quite a series of strange questions. One of these many questions has wrecked havoc through my psychological being for years but not once have I been able to access an answer within the vast and rather messy library that is my brain; what sort of character would I be in a movie/television series? Huh! What a question right? I'm not going to take credit and assume that I'm the first person to have asked mysef such a question but I am going to say that I am one of the first to point it out (I've got an issue with my ego)
Well, it is safe for me to assume that most people would hope that they were heroes in a major script. Those who go in such of danger with an aim of eradicating it and of course they are those who hope to be the intelligent villain whose diverse intellectual abilities allow him to predict every step carried out by the other characters. The fact remains that no one wants to be the supporting character. We all want to have the larger-than-life personality that would let us be that guy in the movie that we all love or rather love to hate.
How do I become that guy?
That's a simple question that deserves a complex answer. It's all about personality (I guess it isn't as complex as I had presumed). Personality is what sets apart the men from the boys (well, not really but it does play a role), it's what separates the TV stars from the movie stars.  Yeah, if you believe that you are larger-than-life then you just might end up being over 1258 Lbs.

Personality traits are not things that we are born with. Just because your father is badass it doesn't mean that you'll be whooping ass all your life. Through experiences that we gain in our life we come to make small changes about ourselves that eventually build up a major personality; you. The path that you have followed in life will determine what sort of character you'll be hero, villain or supporting. Me, I'd rather be at the top of the food chain but things just don't happen because we want them to. Sometimes we've got to stop kissing as and start whooping ass to get to the top and build our personalities because that's an accessory that you need with you everywhere you go.