MY PHILOSOPHY

One's philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes... and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

I've just stepped out of my philosophy class where an assignment was handed back to us. When I handed in this assignment I did not care much as to what the results would be because I made the choice to believe I am the best and the outcome would always be in my favour. Working for my success seemed futile for most of it seemed serendipitous. 

So the lecturer starts handing out the assignment and the first name he called out was not mine. Hmmm! Maybe he doesn't call in order of performance. That was an assumption until he followed it up with heavy praises and appreciation of the effort taken to create the "art form" that was that paper. I did not mind it until he started calling out the other names with a hint of boredom and lack of interest in the rest. Then he called my name. Ah, the moment of truth was before me. My chest heaved and hoed while I was trying to contain the excitement of him possibly drowning me in praise. But then nothing happened. He was right there before me and he just handed me the paper, no regard whatsoever for my plausibly crashed ego.

Now, the paper was out of 15 and out of this possible 15 I had managed to score a measly 13. What?! This, as basic mathematics would claim, is an 87% and I had decided at one point that less than exemplary is less than ordinary. That would not be accepted.

Why would he give me such a score? Is it because my powerful argument was too overwhelming for his feeble mind? Maybe but then again what led to me getting that score?

Back tracking to the week that the assignment was due I realized that I started the assignment a couple of minutes before the due date (or in this case time). The assignment was handed to us three weeks prior to the due date but I opted to do it a couple of minutes before the class. Yet here I am complaining over my poor aim.

I spent the duration of that class pondering "why?". In every class I was accustomed to being at the top of the world but I forgot that the world rotates every twenty-four hours. 

Now, what would keep me at the top despite rotation? I need to understand that I need something to live by that would give me an edge. Something to remind me that there is not room for improvement but without improvement I am standing in the nude. Basically, I need a philosophy to live by.

改善-KAIZEN
The logic behind this is simplistic and to the point. Continuous improvement that aims to eliminate waste (this is my life and not just business). What is this waste in my life? Presumption, procrastination, pomposity, and everything in between. In order for me to become this entity that has the nerve to aim beyond the sky and the ability to make it a possibility then I should take it upon myself to strive for whatever I desire and never have to worry about such instances again. 
Manhood is beckoning and I need to act as my role requires. Growth and improvement.

TO QUESTION-TO BLASPHEME OR TO APPRECIATE

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.
-Albert Einstein

Something amazing happened today. My logic was questioned. Why is that amazing? Answer; when one's logic is questioned they tend to go beyond themselves in order to prove that their reasoning is up to par, which I did.
This being a typical Tuesday filled with a long break between my first and second classes of the day I tend to roam around campus a lot. The logic to this-simple yet overt discoveries came to light during one's least attentive moment. 
Anyway, my girlfriend had just left. While loitering through campus I came across a friend from two of my classes in my first two semesters. Now, she always the smartest girl in the class. Well, the course was Japanese and she may have not been the leading student in the class (that's because I was) but she definitely possessed an innate ability to apply logic to whatever lay before her. 
So today while I was roaming I bumped into her and believe it or not she was reading a Nora Roberts book out loud. Her reason-most of the people on campus were having a class and she had the freedom to express her inner freak.  We just strolled around together until she decided to go all Socrates on me and asked me a simple question; do you believe in evolution? Oh, little did I know that this would lead to an intense argument that would span close to an hour. When I say argument I mean a clear and concise expression of our opinions without having to impose it onto the other.
Now, back to the question. 
She: Do you believe in evolution?
Me: Yes.
She: Why?
Me: Because I don't believe in god and I have to accept that we came from somewhere.
She: Why don't you believe?
Me: Because I believe that needing the fear of god in order for us to be good people means there is something wrong with us as humans.

You can see where this is headed. No, you don't see where this is headed because in most cases it would lead onto a heated debate but this led onto a discussion where she tried to explain to me why she believes.
 Her reasoning was clear. She believes in the existence of a higher being because god to her is the link between the present and the future. That entity that gives us the hope for a future is god. She went on to add that we need fear in order to live a balanced life. An idea of perfection is only possible because we know of imperfection (that's not exactly how she put it, just how I chose to understand it) and we fear because an ounce of fear is what will let us know joy. We also need to believe in a higher being because knowing that life ends in death and nothing more then makes life uneventful. A belief in a being that is better than us drives us to be a lot better than we currently are. Does it make sense? It's logical. That was her argument.
Mine was a bit simplistic. Is god's job then nothing more than just to act as an entity that provides hope? If the big bang is questionable because of an apparent lack of knowledge of what came right before the big bang then where did god come from? Did he just pop up or was he just there? Why are we told not to question?
However, while I was dotting down those questions in my mind I came upon a shocking realization. You cannot question what came before the big bang because before the big bang time was non-existent. What does this mean? It means that the big bang was the beginning of time and there is nothing North of the North Pole..... Clear, isn't it?
Well, the choice is yours.
As time progressed I explained that if there is really a god then shouldn't this being then appreciate the fact that we question his existence because it is from questioning that we come to understand. Her statement against this was that sometimes we need to accept that having faith does not mean that we do not question but rather that we don't need to. Faith is belief with a hint of ignorance. Possessing knowledge is never the most ideal thing because maybe what we might discover at the end of all the research would be akin to coming to the end of a sad story. How would that affect our lives as human beings? 
At the end of it all I came to my all conclusion. The belief in a god is an endless quest for knowledge and understanding that is barricaded with religion and the homo ignoramus that claim to question is to blaspheme. 
Do I believe? I believe that my life is diverse, expansive, and beauty and the reality of a death should be an indicator to lead a more fruitful life. 
Do I believe in a higher being that created us at a whim? No. Simple concise and to the point......

SAYING YES WHEN IT SHOULD BE NO

Sudden resolutions, like the sudden rise of mercury in a barometer, indicate little else than the variability of the weather.
-David Hare

Some situations arise at times of least expectation. A sunny day suddenly becoming rainy, an easy test with that one impossible question, and even that amazing phone that decides to go on the fritz. This is part of life and acting surprised by this means only one thing, you are part homo ignoramus. No shame in having ancestral ties to the leading cause of the near extinction of the human race.....
Now, I value my intelligence, I revel in it but then every now and again I become an involuntary volunteer to these events where my wits are tested.
Yesterday was one of those events. My girlfriend (I feel like she's been the topic of concern for most of my posts for the past week but just having the audacity to write "my girlfriend" feels so magnificent) came to school and she seemed rather upset. Being the concerned guy that I am I asked her what the problem was but she was a bit resilient on spilling the cup of hot coffee (well, at the time I had no idea it was hot coffee). I plagued her constantly with my monologue on how a good relationship is founded on communication, which I did ever so subtly, and she gave in.
What came from her were words that I would never forget. Little words but they carried a great impact, "I missed my periods." Yikes!!!
And then it smacked me like a bitch. All my teenage life I had been dreading the thought of such news. How would I handle such a situation? What would our lives amount to if I/she/we were expecting at this point of our lives?
But that was just the thing. These questions didn't race through my mind. Only one thought circumnavigated the diameter of my brain-what will he/she look like?
What the fuck?!! I know, right. Twisted.......
Anyway, is something wrong with me. How would someone in that position ever react like that? I'm barely an adult and the prospects of a child seem enticing.
It was a rather selfish thought because I needed to have been concerned for her sake. She was the one who experienced the fear at a physical level. All the hormones that might have been raging through her at that moment and I was simply exploring the physical traits of a hypothetical child.
But like she said, it was just a missed period which,  according to her is common, so we might have nothing to worry about.
I decided to be excited about this occurrence before my time had arrived and now I have to find a way to get my psychology in check before I ruin our lives. But how bad would it be to have a child with the woman I love? At the moment, it's probably the worst thing that could happen but I do look forward to a time when it would be expected of us........

TO WRITE IS TO CALIFORNICATE...

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
-Khalil Gibran 

So, I'm a great fun of Californication and the antiques of David Duchovny. Why is that so? Simple questions deserve simple answers; I'm a writer and Duchovny makes magic and miracles out of this beautiful gift. But one problem arises. David and I have nothing in common. Yes, if I were to use him as a yardstick to define what an author should be then I would just not make the cut.
As a character, David Duchovny is everything that I am not. I may not want to elaborate on this because then it makes me seem like vegetable.
However, being the introvert that I am thinking is my forte. Hence I came to this assumption. David Duchovny, well his character, is nothing more than just that; just a character. Someone locked themselves up and thought up the perfect character for a deteriorating and insanely creative writer and shock unto us....... he was born. Ah, yes, his name was/is Hank Moody.
His struggle with personal demons quails my mind and his determination to be a better man but constantly fails adds an amazing twist to life that cannot be found in our everyday scenarios. Why is my life so different to that? That's because I am not a character thought up in the confines of ones basement. Well, as far as I know.
All this in the name of questioning what it means to be a writer..... I write, hence I am.

MATURITY

Gold medals aren't really made of gold. They're made of sweat, determination, and a hard-to-find alloy called guts.
-Dan Gable

Every once in a while we're hit with this sudden realisation that we are only as good as our last attempts. It hurts to have to comprehend the fact that no current yardstick can be used to measure your accomplishments hence you revert back to using that which you have recycled for years and years. Am I any better? No.
Over the last couple of years i have made it my mission to let the world hold dear the fact that I'm a writer. There is no problem with that rather than the fact that my last serious stint as a writer was at the age of 12. Currently, my achievements as a writer boil down to that one book. I am not thrilled to say that no other works can help one decide whether I am  a writer or not. Yes, I have the power to decide whether or not I am but the world needs to see and take in the fact that I am an artist and here <insert book title> is my art but alas, that could have only happened five years ago.
The man within me has decided that the time has come for me to let go of events and achievements made possible by the juvenile and start making his own success. How do I do that? That's a smart question and the answer is just as smart........... Aspirations plus inspiration plus perspiration will get me success. Motivation may stroll outside the lawn but when it decides to knock it has to find you working or it moves on. That's what the juvenile knew and that's what I forgot.
It took the twelve year old Oscar an entire night and flask of coffee to finish his book and the eighteen year old Oscar needs to understand that only with such determination will he be able to smile at his successes.
Coffee and sleepless nights will be the routine until Oscar, the man, finds his way to success.

OPEN UP

 Frustration, although quite painful at times, is a very positive and essential part of success.

-Bo Bennet

And here we are again. What shall this oddly frustrated boy, I mean man, have to say about the queer thoughts that traverse my squiggly mind (yes, in here it be unruly).
So, shocker-I got a girlfriend. Yes, this "dawg" has been busy. How did all this happen? Well, this happened when an odd and curious young chap met a woman with more worth in her being than most people have in their entire existence. We've been dating for two months and two weeks and the beauty of the relationship has blossomed rapidly.
Anyway, that's not what the post is focusing on. The point of this post is to discuss what I have experienced in the relationship ever since it started getting serious.
From without, it all seems like daisies and freshly cut roses. Well, I'm here to tell you, it is..... Really?!
ハイ モチロン......... You probably don't get that but it doesn't make much of a difference.
I don't know if it's just her or maybe I feel easy around her radiance. Things have been so good for such a long time such that it got me worried as what would happen once that joy was to start sliding away.
Then today happened.

As far as I was concerned it was going to be just another Tuesday where I'd pick her from her home and we'd leave for school together. That was the plan until I was informed that we were to take her sister to her school so as she could get some forms signed and take them to her father for further inspection. She's my girlfriend so the answer was a definite why not.
We left and things were going well until we messed up the schedule. My perspective on time may not be as severe as that of an Asian but I do appreciate sticking to one schedule.
Frustration set in but I could not complain about it because I understand that she was taking care of her family and I had agreed to being a part of the ride. Being quiet about my problems is something I've mastered but I've come to understand that with her I need to learn to speak up. She is amazing and the essence of my contentment but I should not let the fear of displeasing her make me unhappy.
After those few remarks I come to understand and appreciate that silence isn't golden but a rather cheap imitation of the real deal.

TO BE OR NOT TO BE? THAT TRULY IS THE QUESTION....

The more unintelligent a man is, the less mysterious existence seems to him.

-Arthur Schopenhauer

As of September 3rd I have made it my business to assemble every last functioning neuron in my brain to enjoy the complexities that is philosophy. In high school I always gave myself props for having a deductive mind that would penetrate the ideologies of Marx and Machiavelli in order to......well, to make them look like idiots. That was the plan.

However, my perception of philosophy is not what it turned out to be. On my first lesson I was bombarded with questions such as what is free will? is there really a god? is there anything beyond the universe we know? and so on. In all honesty, those were rather interesting questions. It was a riot to watch the entire class divide into factions that would either support or oppose different ideas.

Soon enough the fun subsided and we were discussing topics such as logic and the minds of Socrates and Aristotle. To any other philosophy student-YES- to me-WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE?

And then it came...........

What the lecturer brought for us was something discerning. Something that picked at my mind for days. The lecturer had brought to class a sheet of paper that had in it information on the philosophical aspects of physics, its history and so on.

So, apparently, physics is divided into three categories; classic physics, molecular physics, and quantum physics. Well, that's all well and good but why would I be interested in that? The answer to that lies deep in the confines of molecular physics.

Molecular physics gives this notion that, well in simple terms, big things are just small versions of even bigger things (ignoramus terminology). The idea behind this is that every object is made up of tiny particles called atoms and those atoms are made up of even smaller particles which are protons neurons and electrons. 

Now, behind this fact (or opinion) is an even more puzzling concept. The space between every neuron, proton, and electron is so expansive that the idea of existence seems unworldly. Everything around us is then presumably made of space. Again, what the fuck!!!

Molecular physics then argues out that physical matter does exist but there isn't much of it in any given physical object and our notion of matter is nothing more than empty space.

So does this mean that existence does not carry with it the weight it does at your current stage of ignorance? Yes, it does. If we are all space then it means then, virtually, we barely (yes, barely) exist. We are in essence units of space. 

And then came Quantum Physics. What does this beast entail? This monster states that these subatomic particles are not particles but rather amounts of energy (quanta means amounts in Latin) that only exist by probability. That is to say that these particles only have a tendency to exist. If that be the case then it raises the question- are we or aren't we? According to this theoretical science we may not be.

Existence is nothing but a mere conjured notion of the human mind. What does it mean to exist? Having a tendency only makes it clear that we may not be but the fact that I am here doing this shows that I am therefore I do.

To be or not to be? That truly is the question.