JUMP OFF!!

Of course risk-taking does not always pay off, but it's a lot of fun!

-Mary Wesley

I did a crazy thing this past week. I took a risk. I had been spending all my time leaving on the edge and I had felt that the time had come for me to jump off.

My last post mentioned Holly who I described as my proximity infatuation. Yeah, I thought to hell with that idea. I told her what I felt about her and it was an utter disaster. Not the fact that I told her but rather the fact that I mentioned that I liked her over texts. Yeah, I know. I suck, don't I?
I really like Holly but mentioning that I think I like her would be stupid and stupidity doesn't suit me all that well.
I remember it as though it were a couple of days ago. Well, it was but I'm trying to be humorous. We had just got out of class together and we walked all the way to the bus stop together. I held her by the waist and she did the same. It was a magical moment. It may have not been the same for her but I could certainly feel my pounding heart in the palm of my hand. Whenever she looked at me and smiled I sired as much strength as I could so as to avoid breaking into joyful tears. Her dainty hands moved up and down my side and I would have normally had the thought "I'm getting lucky tonight" but not at that time. It felt sentimental. Her touch was soft on my heart. For me to be talking about love is quite tedious but love with Holly is quite different. Truth be told, I wanted that moment to last forever . I did not want anything to ruin it but we got to a point where we had to go our separate ways and a challenge arose. While I hugged her and bid her farewell another man walked over and asked whether he could do the same and all I could say was no as he tried to steal that special embrace from her. It was nothing serious and she just walked away but I felt guilty about not doing anything more.
I got home and apologised but she was okay with the issue and it was at that point that I stated the fact to her.

ME: I really like you but I won't tell it to you.

HER: But you just did.

ME: Well, it was meant to be a thought.

HER: Whoops...

ME: The thing is that I don't know how to handle relationships.

HER: Don't worry. Handle it the best way you can.

ME: Dealing with one seems difficult.

HER: You don't have to deal with it mainly cause I don't think I'm girlfriend material.

ME: You're probably right.

HER: Yeah, I'd disappoint you within the first week.

ME: I think you might as well.

HER: Yeah I would and I'd rather be honest with you now.

I can't really say that my heart was broken because I expected a negative response in a sense. I had always told everyone that relationships were not for me. Mainly because I thought I was a bad ass player but I suck at flirting. Having a girl like Holly around made me change my mind but maybe the universe was not prepared for the change I had made. When I told her what I felt (well, in a sense) I took a risk. Was it worth it because things might be awkward between us from now us. Maybe I should have settled for friendship but that would have meant I live in ignorance. Does she like me as much as I like her? Maybe. I would have hated that. Like I said before, I was tired of living on the edge. The time had come for me to jump off. Maybe a little patience would have been a better thing.

PROXIMITY INFATUATION

Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some reflection of my real feeling about relationships, because I do have commitment issues. My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don't know me, so who cares what they think?

-Garry Shandling

A few seconds ago I watched as a lovely, voluptuous girl just walk out of my house. I had no idea who she was and neither did I make an attempt to talk to her. Why didn't I do any of those things? Was it my shyness or my introspection? That's beside the point at this point in time.
While she was walking out I stared ever so consciously at her ample ass.A series of thoughts ran through my moronic mind. Those thoughts eventually led to a single realisation that has changed a lot of things (well, the amount of changes that can be made in a couple of seconds). I have never had a girlfriend whose ass was that amazing. No, scratch that. I have never had a girlfriend.
Now, back to the aforementioned possibilities of why that is. Is it because of my shyness or is it because of my introspection? Choosing one over the other would make things seem less damning than they actually are. The truth is rather a lot more complex. I have never had a girlfriend because I knew not how to deal with the intricate matters of a relationship (maybe complex shouldn't have been the word I was meant to use).
Being in a relationship can be quite tedious. Well, that depends on how long that the relationship can last. When I was joining high school I had this idea that getting into a relationship would be easy and handling one would be just as simple as knocking one out. Well, both of those assumptions were wrong.
In the course of those four years I have been in less than one relationship and I have been presented with the opportunity to start more than four. Yeah, one for every year that I spent in high school.
At the moment I'm in university and an opportunity has arisen that I cannot turn down. Her eyes burn right through my egotistical defence, her touch gets my blood flowing south of the border and her lips whisper "kiss me" every time I come close to them. When I'm with her my usually cultured and educated nature diminishes to a mere spasm of gibberish. I have wasted no efforts in trying to steer her clear of my mind but she has taken a series of measures to ensure that she is there to stay. Her name is not an issue at this stage (and its not because I don't know her because I do). What I feel when I'm around her is a series of cardiac fluxes, abdominal discomfort and neurological dysfunction. Yes, some might refer me to a doctor but I call it love or I'd hope that it is love.
How can I know for sure that it is love if I've never felt anything of the sort before? The unfortunate truth is that I think I love her or she is nothing but my proximity infatuation.

 This, for those whose vocabulary is about as diverse as the state of Lesotho, refers to the fact that I like her just because I'm constantly close to her. If so then I should dropping the "will you be my girlfriend" bomb would be a disaster comparable to Hiroshima. Plus who says "will you be my girlfriend anymore"? That's right. I do.
Yeah Holly, you're nothing but a proximity infatuation. Sucks for the both of us then. Maybe sex wouldn't be such a good idea then?