TO LIVE MY DAY

I'm so happy because today I found my friends - they're in my head.

-Kurt Cobain

Never have I had a post that's based solely on the occurrences of my day. I never really thought my days were ever that interesting until I started to smile at all the "bad" things that actually do happen to me. I mean, instead of waiting for a couple of years to laugh about it, why not laugh about it then? That's life.

So, today morning my brother's alarm went off at 5.30. I could hear it because I chose to spend the night in his room. From what I could gather it was pouring heavily and I immediately decided to to go for my morning run. That was an easy choice that led up to a series of unfortunate events. You see, my morning run, however gruesome, is what gets me ready for the rest of the day. It gives me the psychological punch needed to get through with "it". So I went on sleeping with the idea that I would get out of bed at 9 am and head on to school at 1 pm. That was not going to happen. 

The previous night mother and I had agreed that we would go and check out an apartment that my brother and I are to move into next semester. 

Back to today morning. Mother got me out of bed all pissed at my laziness and decided that since she was ready she would not wait for me to take a shower. Oh god. It was bad enough that I had to miss my run but it had then been decided that I would spend the rest of the day under the stench of my overnight odour. Easy. I could deal with that. Yes, being in an all boys high school had taught me to survive with the pungent trail. 

Without the comfort of breakfast in my belly we were out of the house and headed towards the city when we were met with a week's worth of traffic. Mother was rather frustrated so she kept on saying, "it's your fault. Just sleeping all the time," and in all honesty it was rather funny. Being the "smart" driver that I am, I knew all the alternative routes one could use to avoid the traffic so I had her follow one. We avoided the traffic on the main road only to meet myriads of obstacles on the alternate route. Oh, the look she gave me was priceless. 

Eventually, we got to the city where she was to get some forms signed and pick up my brother who studies Chinese in the city so we could all go to and view the apartment together. Within the city things were as typical as they could be but mother decided that she was tired of driving and asked me to take control of the car. That I did but driving across the city was something I lacked knowledge to do but I popped up with my motto, "nitajua leo" which basically translates to "I'll learn today". 

The route to the apartment was quick and free of traffic. Mother and my brother got to see the apartment and she actually loved it.  It was decided that my brother and I would move in which is perfect. 

Lunch was great courtesy of mother's wallet and the cooks at San Marino but then the rain decided to wet me mercilessly. Masculinity and stupidity had me leave my sweater at home and carry nothing but an umbrella. My entire outfit got wet and I faced the threat of pneumonia. Everyone was either in class or off campus so I didn't have anyone to waste my time with. Droll. 

I tried to register for my classes next semester but I was side-tracked by a fine that I acquired without my knowledge. 

Later on in the day a friend of mine turned up and we completed some very creative work and just chilled under the clear sky (the rain had subsided) and talked about life. It was beautiful. 

That was a rough summary about my day. The last time I did something like this was at the age of 10 yet it feels so rejuvenating.

OPEN YOUR MIND

No matter how big the lie; repeat it often enough and the masses will regard it as the truth.
-JFK

I watched a documentary in which they spoke of marijuana not as a killer drug but an offspring of nature. It really opened my eyes. As a person of my age and stereotypical nurturing it would not be a falsehood to assume that I have taken a nibble of the forbidden fruit and it is clear that after ingestion the plausibilities are endless.
Well, that is not what I was trying to point out. According to the documentary marijuana has been illegal because of a myriad of political, racial, and empirical improbabilities. Whenever the question as to why marijuana is bad for you most people would either reply that it's bad or it kills brain cells.
Reality speaks of a sinister tale.
The first marijuana law was made in 1601 that ordered all American farms to plant the "weed". That was because marijuana is also referred to as hemp that was the largest and most profitable agricultural produce for thousands of years before. In the 1920s it was decided that marijuana smoking caused reefer madness that led to black men staring at white women twice, aggression, or stepping on a white man's shadow. However, during the war the American government decided to start producing hemp and there was even an infomercial advocated by the government- HEMP FOR VICTORY. This was followed by the win in the war and the coming of the Cold War. During this time it was discovered that the Soviet government was using marijuana to make American spies captured in the USSR passive. This led to the American government to make the drug illegal again however, this time it was a reason contradicting their earlier presumptions.
Today, we say marijuana is "bad" because of an experiment that has been proven to be empirically irrational. But everyone is so firm with the idea. The truth is out there but why do we choose to remain ignorant?
We choose ignorance because we have been indoctrinated- brainwashing man!!!
All through our lives we are given basic principles that we should live by: believe in a god, study hard to get a good job, you can only live with money, respect your government. These principles, however seemingly rational, do not have to stand to propagate our survival. But why do we live by them? It is because we have chosen to take authority as truth. Whenever our bosses, parents, teachers, religious leaders, our governments give us an order we take it as ultimate truth.
It must be hard for us,
those who take authority as truth
instead of truth as authority.
Take the time to think before you act on commands. 

HE YELLED, SHE YELLED....

I love argument, I love debate. I don't expect anyone just to sit there and agree with me, that's not their job.

-Margaret Thatcher

 

Today morning, my girlfriend and I were entangled in an argument concerning economics that sparked out of a simple question. Of course no argument is ever intended (when I'm not involved). This argument was heated and she was obviously winning. Oh, frustration was setting in fast and furiously. Why was I getting frustrated by her winning an argument?

In my effort to answer that question I realized that I was not frustrated because she was winning the argument but because I looked at the argument as a competitive intercourse. That is to say, her win was not the problem but the fact that I believed she had won was the problem. I only needed to see that it was not a competition but she was simply trying to elevate me to a new level of awareness.

Frustration and anger are a common emotion when entwined in any conflicting situation. But why do they result? The answer is a kin to what I had experienced. It is not the fault of the one who we assume caused the frustration but the on who opted to be frustrated.

However, the argument in the she and I sense is not what everyone else may term as arguments. We look to convince the other that our premise justifies our conclusion i.e. the first order argument as opposed to the everyday argument. Nonetheless, my theory of what our arguments are is not necessarily how I'd like to feel once I am done and I  have "lost". Now, that is the problem with society and the human behaviour. You are either competitive or not. It's a problem because we feel that anything as minute as an argument is a conquest for success or a lunge for failure. We have been raised to believe that if you "lose" an argument you lack intelligence, however, been proven wrong is a chance to gain knowledge.

Today morning I gained knowledge but society would have me believe that I "lost" an argument. Every location in which an argument breaks out is not a court of law for that is the only place in which you can "lose" an argument. 

Essentially, do not be frustrated by that "lost" argument but be excited by the gained knowledge.

HEREIN LIES MY MUSE

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.
-Lili St. Crow

I've been suffering a mild case of the writer's block. It was a bit strange that someone of my age would suffer terribly from such a crippling condition. What causes this condition? I don't know and as far as this moment is concerned I don't give a fuck.
Why is that so? The answer lies in the text that follows.
Recently, I have been reading the Zahir by Paulo Coelho and the narrator of the story is a writer who describes to us what gives him the power ti write. He speaks of a boat called the word that takes him to an island where his thoughts are nothing more than what his soul needs to drop down on paper. Every time he tries to write he experiences the same thing. It starts with a will to write, the inability to write, and eventually the journey on the "word".
It had always been the same for me. I need a wind strong enough to push my sails to the island. Ever since I took heed to my calling I was sure that the wind was rage, pain, and disdain. Writing under such atmospheric pressure bears down on the mind. Only so much anger can be expressed on paper but this week I discovered another wind that is blowing even stronger. I call this wind joy.
As of Monday I have been encompassed by this immense feeling of joy. It may have been because I experienced something utterly overwhelming on that day but nonetheless, my writing has been fluid. No longer do I have to think so much about what I am writing but it just flows out of me like a seasonal river during autumn.
It was two weeks ago and I was trying to blog. This was a bad experience because writing while suffering from writer's block is like having to have sex immediately after jerking off- not fun. So, there I was trying to force witty phrases and deep commentary when I realized that I was wasting my time. In my head the question kept rolling, "when will this end?". It's never fun to pride yourself on an art that you struggle to express. So, there I was in front of a computer keying in paragraphs of  things that made no sense to me. Agonizing was the name. Every word was heavy and paralyzing. If stress could kill people the certainly my words could do and at that moment they took the life out of me. When I completed writing the post I felt relieved. Oh joy! Maybe that's when the joy started. The end of that post was the beginning of my high moments. The lack of marijuana in my bloodstream was made up for the seizing of a post. Yes, every high moment is a high moment.
But after Monday all that has changed. Right now I'm here keying down these words about the end of my condition and what does it feel like? It's like someone is standing besides me and doing all the writing. All this is nothing but an illusion. I'm not the writer. Yes, that's it. As long as I write there is another entity responsible for the magic that unfolds before me.
With that I bid thee farewell but before that.....
Writer's block is not a debilitating condition, it's a failure to acknowledge the presence of that divine being encompassing the essence of your inner artist.

BECAUSE THE TIME WAS RIGHT FOR ONLY A HALF OF THE COUPLE

 I want to top expectations. I want to blow you away.

 -Quentin Tarantino

It's a bit difficult to live up to one's expectation. Be it our parent's, girlfriend's/boyfriend's, spouse's, or even society. We fear the idea of being ostracized because we want to fit into a particular accolade. If someone wants us to be something it's either we try to achieve that or surpass that. Failure to attain the required level gives us a feeling of self-resentment.
Now, I compare this to myself.
Yesterday, I put myself into a situation that made me feel like quite the arsenine man. The experience that was before me was generally one that would put anyone of my gender the desire to act up on it. Did I act up on it? Definitely. Failure to act up on it would have been a complete disaster but I endured a strange dilemma afterwards.
Before the act I was certain that the experience would be something that I would define the week by. A great or rather occasional event that would be cataclysmic enough for me to a kin it to a smile from the universe. During the act I was in nirvana. What can I say? The secondary head decided to take full control. Yes, whatever you're guessing is probably on point.
After the act I was flying between two trapeze. That moment when you don't know whether you're going to fall or to swing to safety. Well, I was confused about what had just happened.
It bothered me greatly because as much as the act was vital in developing me as a man it failed to give me the spiritual satisfaction that I needed. But why did it bother me so? That's because I wanted to wait until I was psychologically prepared for the act. But I did it anyway because the person that the act involved felt that they were ready and I was even less ready to disappoint.
Now, here I am. Griping to strangers on a virtual world. Why is that so? I'm I too much of a coward to have said no? No. I'm too much of a man to have said no.

MY PHILOSOPHY

One's philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes... and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

I've just stepped out of my philosophy class where an assignment was handed back to us. When I handed in this assignment I did not care much as to what the results would be because I made the choice to believe I am the best and the outcome would always be in my favour. Working for my success seemed futile for most of it seemed serendipitous. 

So the lecturer starts handing out the assignment and the first name he called out was not mine. Hmmm! Maybe he doesn't call in order of performance. That was an assumption until he followed it up with heavy praises and appreciation of the effort taken to create the "art form" that was that paper. I did not mind it until he started calling out the other names with a hint of boredom and lack of interest in the rest. Then he called my name. Ah, the moment of truth was before me. My chest heaved and hoed while I was trying to contain the excitement of him possibly drowning me in praise. But then nothing happened. He was right there before me and he just handed me the paper, no regard whatsoever for my plausibly crashed ego.

Now, the paper was out of 15 and out of this possible 15 I had managed to score a measly 13. What?! This, as basic mathematics would claim, is an 87% and I had decided at one point that less than exemplary is less than ordinary. That would not be accepted.

Why would he give me such a score? Is it because my powerful argument was too overwhelming for his feeble mind? Maybe but then again what led to me getting that score?

Back tracking to the week that the assignment was due I realized that I started the assignment a couple of minutes before the due date (or in this case time). The assignment was handed to us three weeks prior to the due date but I opted to do it a couple of minutes before the class. Yet here I am complaining over my poor aim.

I spent the duration of that class pondering "why?". In every class I was accustomed to being at the top of the world but I forgot that the world rotates every twenty-four hours. 

Now, what would keep me at the top despite rotation? I need to understand that I need something to live by that would give me an edge. Something to remind me that there is not room for improvement but without improvement I am standing in the nude. Basically, I need a philosophy to live by.

改善-KAIZEN
The logic behind this is simplistic and to the point. Continuous improvement that aims to eliminate waste (this is my life and not just business). What is this waste in my life? Presumption, procrastination, pomposity, and everything in between. In order for me to become this entity that has the nerve to aim beyond the sky and the ability to make it a possibility then I should take it upon myself to strive for whatever I desire and never have to worry about such instances again. 
Manhood is beckoning and I need to act as my role requires. Growth and improvement.

TO QUESTION-TO BLASPHEME OR TO APPRECIATE

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.
-Albert Einstein

Something amazing happened today. My logic was questioned. Why is that amazing? Answer; when one's logic is questioned they tend to go beyond themselves in order to prove that their reasoning is up to par, which I did.
This being a typical Tuesday filled with a long break between my first and second classes of the day I tend to roam around campus a lot. The logic to this-simple yet overt discoveries came to light during one's least attentive moment. 
Anyway, my girlfriend had just left. While loitering through campus I came across a friend from two of my classes in my first two semesters. Now, she always the smartest girl in the class. Well, the course was Japanese and she may have not been the leading student in the class (that's because I was) but she definitely possessed an innate ability to apply logic to whatever lay before her. 
So today while I was roaming I bumped into her and believe it or not she was reading a Nora Roberts book out loud. Her reason-most of the people on campus were having a class and she had the freedom to express her inner freak.  We just strolled around together until she decided to go all Socrates on me and asked me a simple question; do you believe in evolution? Oh, little did I know that this would lead to an intense argument that would span close to an hour. When I say argument I mean a clear and concise expression of our opinions without having to impose it onto the other.
Now, back to the question. 
She: Do you believe in evolution?
Me: Yes.
She: Why?
Me: Because I don't believe in god and I have to accept that we came from somewhere.
She: Why don't you believe?
Me: Because I believe that needing the fear of god in order for us to be good people means there is something wrong with us as humans.

You can see where this is headed. No, you don't see where this is headed because in most cases it would lead onto a heated debate but this led onto a discussion where she tried to explain to me why she believes.
 Her reasoning was clear. She believes in the existence of a higher being because god to her is the link between the present and the future. That entity that gives us the hope for a future is god. She went on to add that we need fear in order to live a balanced life. An idea of perfection is only possible because we know of imperfection (that's not exactly how she put it, just how I chose to understand it) and we fear because an ounce of fear is what will let us know joy. We also need to believe in a higher being because knowing that life ends in death and nothing more then makes life uneventful. A belief in a being that is better than us drives us to be a lot better than we currently are. Does it make sense? It's logical. That was her argument.
Mine was a bit simplistic. Is god's job then nothing more than just to act as an entity that provides hope? If the big bang is questionable because of an apparent lack of knowledge of what came right before the big bang then where did god come from? Did he just pop up or was he just there? Why are we told not to question?
However, while I was dotting down those questions in my mind I came upon a shocking realization. You cannot question what came before the big bang because before the big bang time was non-existent. What does this mean? It means that the big bang was the beginning of time and there is nothing North of the North Pole..... Clear, isn't it?
Well, the choice is yours.
As time progressed I explained that if there is really a god then shouldn't this being then appreciate the fact that we question his existence because it is from questioning that we come to understand. Her statement against this was that sometimes we need to accept that having faith does not mean that we do not question but rather that we don't need to. Faith is belief with a hint of ignorance. Possessing knowledge is never the most ideal thing because maybe what we might discover at the end of all the research would be akin to coming to the end of a sad story. How would that affect our lives as human beings? 
At the end of it all I came to my all conclusion. The belief in a god is an endless quest for knowledge and understanding that is barricaded with religion and the homo ignoramus that claim to question is to blaspheme. 
Do I believe? I believe that my life is diverse, expansive, and beauty and the reality of a death should be an indicator to lead a more fruitful life. 
Do I believe in a higher being that created us at a whim? No. Simple concise and to the point......